The Star Trek Inquiry
by T'Ley
Summary: A The Big Bang Theory story. Penny discovers that asking Sheldon about Star Trek is like topping off your drink with ice from a glacier. You end up buried under an avalanche. One-shot.


Rating: PG-13 (for non-explicit adult references)

Author's Note: The opinions expressed by the characters in this fanfic do not necessarily reflect my own views. Also, this story is set before Howard meets Bernadette.

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, except when they are. The settings and locations are not mine, except when they are. The plots, conflicts, and resolutions ARE mine, except when they're not.

Reviews/Feedback: CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is always welcome. Any suggestions you may have on how to make my story better will be greatly appreciated.

Dr. Sheldon Cooper had, over time, gotten used to his neighbor Penny's habit of dropping by the apartment he shared with Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. In fact, Sheldon had gotten so used to Penny's visits that when she came through the door he no longer took much notice, except for lifting his head briefly to make sure it was actually Penny and not an ax wielding maniac. "If you require coffee you'll have to wait for the completion of the brewing cycle," Sheldon said. His tone of voice was a distinctive blend of condescension mixed with boredom, typical for Sheldon. "The alternative is to walk two blocks to the nearest coffee shop and purchase what is undeniably a superior product," Sheldon continued. "However considering your current financial situation this seems like a highly unlikely scenario."

Penny glared at Sheldon. Sheldon failed to notice, his gaze remaining fixed on the screen of his laptop. Without turning away from his work, Sheldon reached for a plate of what looked like cupcakes that was sitting on the kitchen counter next to him. He held the plate out to Penny. "Might I interest you in a red velvet?" Sheldon offered. "Wolowitz purchased them from the gluten-free bakery in a feeble attempt to seduce one of the employees."

Penny wasn't normally one to turn down free food, but the fact that Sheldon was offering to share with her made Penny a little nervous. If it'd been Leonard offering her a cupcake, Penny would've taken it without a second thought. But Sheldon was the type of person who didn't willingly share anything, except his opinions. "You're giving me food?" Penny asked, wondering if there was something wrong with the cupcakes.

Sheldon turned away from his computer screen and focused on Penny. "I fail to see the point of withholding them," Sheldon said. "If I had you no doubt would have 'helped yourself' without a formal invitation." Penny glared at Sheldon again. Sheldon didn't seem fazed by this. Instead, he held the plate out to Penny again and attempted to give her an encouraging look. Unfortunately, Sheldon wasn't used to giving encouraging looks, so his facial expression looked more like he had gas than anything else. Penny stared at the plate of cupcakes a moment longer. She had to admit, they looked delicious.

"What the hell. If I die from food poisoning I won't have to make my rent," Penny said. She grabbed a cupcake and took a large bite.

Sheldon rolled his eyes as he set the plate back down on the counter. "Penny, don't be absurd," he said. "There is no greater risk of food poisoning from gluten-free cupcakes than there is from any other baked good. Although current research has shown that consuming an excessive amount of gluten-free products can result in a fiber deficiency, leading to constipation."

Penny spat out her mouthful of cupcake.

"That was essentially the same reaction that Howard, Raj and Leonard had when I told them," Sheldon observed.

Penny sputtered, trying to clear her throat, before she asked, "Why didn't you tell me BEFORE I ate some?"

"The bakery had an order minimum of one dozen," Sheldon said. "And after I mentioned the possibility of over-indulgence leading to bowel issues, Wolowitz refused to take them home to his mother. I was informed that she can easily consume a dozen cupcakes in one sitting, and that she's already having difficulties with her bowel movements."

Penny tried desperately not to think about Mrs. Wolowitz's bowel movements, but it was too late. The nasty mental image caused Penny's brain to temporarily short circuit, and for a few seconds she simply stared at Sheldon, her face frozen in a look of disgust. The moment Penny's neurons began firing again she reacted in a big way.

"Too much information, Sheldon!" Penny said, throwing up her hands for emphasis, one of which was still clutching the cupcake. Sheldon looked puzzled for a moment. Then he shrugged and turned his attention back to his laptop. Penny dropped what was left of her cupcake into the garbage before suddenly remembering why she'd come over in the first place. "So is Leonard here?" Penny asked, wiping her hands as she spoke.

"No." Sheldon replied. Penny waited for Sheldon to tell her where Leonard was, but Sheldon didn't bother to share any more information.

"Can you tell me where he is?" Penny asked.

"Yes." Sheldon told her. His answer was again followed by silence.

"So where is he?" Penny questioned, sounding irritated.

"The coffee shop," Sheldon told her.

Penny began to wonder what exactly was on that laptop that had Sheldon so completely absorbed, he couldn't even carry on a normal conversation. "Do you know when he'll be back?" Penny asked.

"No," Sheldon responded.

Penny had detected a pattern in Sheldon's answers and asked, "Is there a reason you're only giving me one-word answers?"

"Yes," Sheldon said.

Penny felt like she was seconds away from smashing Sheldon's laptop on the kitchen counter. Her frustration was palpable as she shouted, "Why?"

Sheldon turned away from his laptop screen and looked at Penny in surprise. "You claimed I was supplying you with too much information!" Sheldon said. "I was attempting to adjust my responses to accommodate your preferences! Now you've reversed your previous position! It's no wonder conventional wisdom states that a man can never guess what a woman is thinking!"

Penny was tempted to just walk out, but she'd gotten herself in a jam and was now slightly desperate. So she swallowed her pride and attempted to sweeten her tone. "Maybe you can help me, since Leonard's not here," she said to Sheldon. Sheldon gave Penny a look. "I gave you a cupcake, what more do you want?" he asked.

"Listen, I have a Star Trek question," Penny said. Now she had Sheldon's full attention. "Ah, so you've finally decided to take an interest in Gene Roddenberry's brilliant vision of an ideal future," Sheldon said as he got up from his seat and headed over to the bookcase. "Is there any particular aspect of the Star Trek franchise you'd like information on? As you know, I'm quite well versed in Star Trek canon. I also own a number of books on the subject, which admittedly will become obsolete once I decide which electronic reader to purchase. The Nook has a larger memory and a more readable display, but the Kindle has more intuitive navigation menus and access to a broader range of downloads."

Penny opened her mouth, hoping to steer the conversation back on track. But Sheldon had gotten carried away by his enthusiasm and was now talking in a near constant stream, thwarting Penny's attempt to get a word in.

"Though if you plan to borrow any books you'll have to sign my standard lending contract," Sheldon continued. "There's a replacement fee for books that are returned ripped, stained, creased, or otherwise mutilated." By now, Sheldon had zeroed in on the shelves that held his collection of Star Trek books. He lightly ran one finger over the spines as he began reading the titles off to Penny. "Let's see. There's 'The Physics Of Star Trek', adequate. 'The Metaphysics Of Star Trek', not worthy of association, but it was a gift from Meemaw. It is fascinating how the addition of the prefix 'meta' can transform a respected branch of study into complete bull feces."

Just then Sheldon gasped, his hand hovering over one of the books. For a moment he seemed completely speechless, but his voice quickly returned. "'The Science Of Star Wars' should not be on this shelf!" Sheldon said in shock and dismay. "I always maintain a clear separation between the Star Trek books and the Star Wars books."

Penny knew all too well that Sheldon didn't like other people touching his things. She also knew that Sheldon had a near perfect memory, so the chances that he had moved the book himself and then forgotten about it were slim to none. Sheldon gingerly removed the offending book from the shelf, as if trying to preserve any fingerprints that would tell him who the culprit was. Penny realized, on some level, that Sheldon was half a second away from going into full-on investigation mode, and that she would probably be the first one interrogated, since she was the only other person there at the moment. But Penny was getting impatient and said, "Look, does it really matter?"

Sheldon stared at Penny in disbelief. "Does it really matter?" Sheldon repeated. "Penny, we're talking about what symbolically amounts to the integration of two wholly disparate, theoretical worlds. Worlds, I might add, that have been known to trigger bitter rivalries among devoted but non-inclusive fans." As Sheldon transferred the book to a heavy duty zipper seal bag in the kitchen, Penny took a moment to glance at her watch. She was running out of time. Her shift at the restaurant would be starting soon. Pulling a folded newspaper and a pen out of her purse, Penny turned to Sheldon. "Listen, the question is," Penny said as she consulted the newspaper, "Make it 'blank', Star Trek command, two letters".

"Make it so," Sheldon answered. "The line was the so-called catchphrase of Captain Jean-Luc Picard on Star Trek: The Next Generation."

"Thanks," Penny said as she scribbled something on the newspaper with her pen before shoving the paper back into her purse and heading for the door. Sheldon looked bewildered. "That's all you wanted to know?" he asked.

Penny was opening the door by this point and said, "Yeah. One of the other waitresses wanted to know why I waste so much time with you guys, so I told her hanging out with you guys is making me smarter and she bet me 40 bucks she could still finish more of the LA Times crossword puzzle than I could."

Sheldon took a second to digest this information before responding. "Oh, I see. Penny, I'm not sure I'm comfortable being an accomplice to crossword fraud."

"Too late," Penny said from the hallway before slamming the apartment door. Sheldon blinked twice, then said, "See if I ever offer you another cupcake."


End file.
